She opened her eyes and thought to herself, “Oh for goddess sake, not this shit again.”

A car alarm sounded nearby, as the five story walk-up walls shook and the windows rattled due to a garbage truck completing the early morning route. The neighbor’s anxious, startled dogs barked loudly and a baby screamed for their morning milk. Shakti sighed, stretched her toned, tanned legs and swung them out of bed. 

Her bare feet made a smacking noise as they hit the floor.  Shakti slowly sulked to her window, opening the curtains and allowing the early morning sun rays to dance on her bare feet, making a rainbow on the freckles of her little toe. She looked down and saw few people on the streets at this time in the morning. An older man, still drunk from the night before, sleeping on the stoop of the apartments across the street and three rats in a garbage can were the only beings about this early. An audible sigh and deep breath escaped Shakti as she rolled out her yoga mat, prepared to welcome the morning, car alarm, crying baby, noisey pups and all. 

Shakti had a morning routine and it always began by spending time on her yoga mat, alone, aware, and connected to herself. Today was not any different than another. Her mat was unrolled, and she sat down to welcome the calm, zen feelings of self connection. And she found nothing. No peace, no calm, no quiet. Shakti focused on her breath. She knew the power of her breath and began to count as she breathed in. She held her breath before releasing it in a controlled exhale. Shakti repeated her breath work yet still struggled to find her inner calm. She wondered what she was doing wrong, and then quickly reminded herself that she should not worry and focus on her breath. 

Shakti did not find peace on her mat this morning and yet she did find an unsettled awareness of self. Shakti was unsure of why her mind and body struggled this morning to relax and commit to their practice and welcome the day. She decided to move through the day regardless of her unsettling experience in her morning routine. After a warm shower, Shakti decided to skip breakfast, still considering her unsatisfied morning routine and deciding to allow her body to fast,  to allow her thoughts and mind to  possibly work out what may be troubling her. Shakti grabbed her bag, kissed her cat, Raja, and left her apartment for work.

 Shakti left earlier than normal due to being awakened early and was anxious to get on with her day. As she rounded the corner of her apartment building she was instantly greeted by a foul smell and gasped with surprise. Shakti stood three feet from the drunk man she had seen previously from her window. The man stank of liquor and shit. Vomit stained his shirt and his dirty hands begged Shakti for spare change. Shakti quickly crossed the street, holding her breath. She did not have time or the patience for a shitstained beggar today. Her body began to shift into an agitated state. She could feel her hands begin to tremble, her nose flared, and her heart started to pound. Shakti was flooded by a feeling of rage. Her breath became ragged, she started to shake, her eyes darted back to the man across the street. He was oblivious to how disgusting he was to the world. Shakti was filled with an impulse to yell at the man. 

“Hey, you fucking drunk ass…!!” 

The man looked around confused, still drunk, teetering to stay upright, and unsure if he was being addressed. 

“Yeah, you!” Shakti bellowed, “Why don’t you do us all a favor and take a fucking bath. Wash your disgusting hair, change your gross clothes, and wipe your nasty fucking ass.” She was visibly seething, yelling at the man from across the street, hands in tightly clenched fists. 

“Hey lady, take it easy, geez….” the man slurred, stumbled on the sidewalk,  confused by her screams. 

“No you take it easy, and just fuck off! Alright, just get the fuck out of here……” and Shakti threw up her hands, turned away, and stomping off towards the train. 

As she started to walk, Shakti was flooded with a surge of warm and urgent heat, surrounding her body and filling her lungs. She felt she would burst, as the frantic energy spilled from her nose and mouth, she gasped in a heavy exhale and then she felt deflated, like a burst balloon. She laughed out loud to her own surprise. She thought “What the fuck was that?” 

She turned back to look down the street  towards the old man, to offer an apology of some sorts, but he was gone. Shakti continued on her way to the bus station, silently reviewing the spontaneous heated exchange in her mind and questioning her quick temper towards the drunk. Shakti took a few  deep breaths and felt the cooling sensation she had longed for on her yoga mat finally begin to arrive.

I chose to channel my anger and heat into a story rather than into my own social life. How can you change your emotion, reduce your pain/heat, or create something from an otherwise negative experience.

I love you all, more than you know.

Namaste.

Patsy

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